gratuitous hair pic

because I will never be able to style it like my hairstylist does..

single dad laughing

What a powerful post.

"Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you."

balance

I checked out an old friend's blog today. She started it a few days ago when her husband left for an 8 month traveling job - it seems like a great way to check in with herself during a time of huge adjustment. As someone about to have a huge adjustment of my own, I thought it was a fabulous idea. I borrowed the above graphic from her website as a reminder to myself to find balance in my life during a time that will most definitely be swayed heavily in the direction of being a new mom. I couldn't be more excited about that role, but I do need to make sure I'm checking in with myself so I don't let everything else in my life go by the wayside.

My hope is to eventually make my own graph with a few different categories. But this one certainly will do for now!

catfish and mandala

I highly recommend this book! So far it's a captivating read - I've spent a decent amount of time the last couple of days reading this book. It's over-due at the library and I'm trying to get through it so I can return it when I get back from training. Anyway here's a picture of my favorite reading spot on Payette Lake. What a find...

project 365 - Day One

I have a friend who always had his huge camera with him and would take a random shot every once in a while. Now i realize he was doing this. A photo a day for a year. I want to do it! No time like the present...


Here's the guy that I believe started this project - there are many many people out there who are doing this - this link will show you the hows and whys of the project, as well as where to find other people's Project 365 photos.

back to Seattle plan

View Larger Map

Here's my plan so far to drive back to Seattle after our cruise. Stop to see Joy & Tom perform, maybe stop to see Tana, but otherwise straight up to Seattle. Should be a bit tiring!

back on the blogger train

SO glad to be home. I was at the Grand Canyon for the past two weeks running corps member training. What an amazing place, a ton of work, and inspiration. Too tired to write now but hopefully will get back on this blogger train.

Oh, and I'm off to go on my honeymoon in less than a week! Too excited - a road trip from Seattle to San Diego, visiting friends and amazing places along the way, then going on a cruise - yep a cruise. To Mexico, and I'm actually pretty damn excited about it.

nostalgia & my first rock crush

Yep! I saw Duran Duran last night. So much fun! They played lots of new stuff and some fantastic oldies, which made me so happy. One of their newer songs (OK, it came out in '95, but it seems new to me) has gotten me in a trance of sorts - it's Ordinary World. The lyrics are heart-wrenching.

Boise & Babies

It's Friday night and I just got back from project leader training in Boise. I met all six of my project leaders for my program, and I'm left feeling exhilarated. It's the dream job I was hoping for, with so much possibility. There's been lots of shit over the last four months, but meeting everyone - all the pls, plus the boise and charlestown staff was great. Everyone is so nice, and it's great to have faces to all the people I have been talking with all this time.

I'm going to be learning to lead better by encouraging others to lead better. I'm so excited - not to mention how much I'm absorbing and learning as I go. I'm inspired - I want to do the best jop and be fantastic support for these people. And I already feel like I've learned from them as well. They are going to teach me how to be a better leader, while they look to me to do the same. How cool is that?

I'm liking traveling too, but tonight's flight SUCKED. It was really bumpy the whole way - I get so ridiculous - I felt like I was going to die, kept mantras going like "smooth," and "I'm on a train, the tracks are bumpy," trying to remember the Chicago trains I rode when I commuted. I was next to an older man from Madrid - he's the VP of Nicklaus Something or Other, Jack Nicklaus the golfer's companies. He also owns two golf courses, too, one in the South of Spain and one on an island in the mediterranean. Crazy. He was nice though, and helped me get through the rough flight.

I had a great walk in Boise along the greenbelt - a path behind the hotel along the snake river. You walk out of the hotel in the back, and if you turn left and walk 45 minutes on the paved path you are in downtown Boise. To the right is almost immediately a dirt/sand path, very windy with frequent small sandy and rock beaches. It was so pretty - very peaceful. It inspired me to walk more. I'm also really thinking about having kids in the Fall, so I'm especially getting motivated to get my body in shape for carrying a child.

Speaking of babies, Becky is pregnant! She's due in November - Matt called me today. I'm so happy for them both. Jenny's also due any day now - the 16th I believe. New babies in the family!

m

one day i'll do great things

I say this to myself often, but it's a horrible mentality to have. I should be, and am, doing great things now. It's the "grass is always greener" way of thinking that makes me unfulfilled and insecure about myself.

I was in a conversation with Brian & Derrin this week about bigfoot (we were camping on Camano Island), that lead to talking about other worldly things (like dimensions - could something like bigfoot actually exists right here with us now but in a separate dimension?), then about the pyramids and how no one knows how they were built, that there were sightings of something similar on Mars, then finally (and to my point), how December 21, 2012 was prophesized as the day the earth blows up, due to a certain planetary alignment during winter solstice that day. The Mayans apparently predicted this, and since they successfully predicted numerous other disastrous world-events of the near and far past, this is a pretty big deal to a whole lot of people.

So I'm thinking, if the world does blow up in just five years, that doesn't give me a lot of time to get to the point of doing great things. For some it takes a lifetime, and what the hell does "great things" mean, anyway? Being well-known? I'll just assign myself that question: How do I define the great things in life that I want to accomplish?

rearing its ugly head

I'm presenting my senior project at the UW Spring Celebration today. It's for the work I do at camp. A few weeks ago, I sent the summer staff application to the lists that I'm on, in hopes of finding staff for this summer's sessions. I emailed the queer center, my major's listserv, and the listserv for the grant I received, for which I am presenting today. I received a response from a guy on the grant listserv, quote:

"Why am I receiving this queer propaganda? Through what deranged thought processes does one conclude that a random recipient may be interested in further disseminating or participating in the fag agenda? I demand to be removed from your mailing list! That is all. "

That was the entirety of it, but it freaked me out. I emailed the grantor director and told her that I sent it b/c I thought the list was a safe place, and I thought they should know that I received such a hateful email. She, and her co-worker, called him in to talk to him about using the listserv for such awful communication. So now he knows I turned him in. That was a couple of weeks ago. This week I got an email then a phone call from the grantor director's assistant, wanting to make sure I was feeling OK. She also said that when the director spoke with him face-to-face, she felt very uncomfortable with him. "He has some very strong opinions on the matter." Well yes, that's obvious.

What freaks me out is that I've never directly been hit like this. Sure, I've been called some mean things, but I've never really felt threatened. But in today's climate, with a woman recently murdered in my building (not at all homophobia related - it was domestic violence to the extreme), I'm feeling very vulnerable. I have no protections today at this event, and I will be standing at my table with my big gay poster, feeling very exposed. Chances are I'll be absolutely fine, but you just never know with people like this. He could be full of hot air, or he could be one of the extremists who thinks all gay people should die. Who knows? All I know is that I'm really looking forward to being done with this presentation. It's been a slap-in-the-face reminder that people will hate me just for the company I keep.

It's a reminder to be careful, but also to be bold...to not shrink back into my shell because of fear. I can't let people like this break me. It's a reminder that what I do for the kids at our camp is in the hopes that they will not have to face such ugly people as this guy. But if they do, they will hopefully have the confidence in themselves to not believe such horrible things - to know they are incredible people, worthy of love and admiration. We are all survivors because we choose to live well in spite of the hate out there.

it's complicated

"Life gets complicated." It’s what you hear as a kid, what your parents tell you when they’re trying to convince you to enjoy life now, "cuz it only gets harder." I didn’t get it then, of course, but I’ve recently had moments where that phrase is actually a comfort. It’s a reminder to me that life gets complicated for everyone as they grow older, not just me.

I’m 33, almost 34, and am going to get my first bachelor’s degree in a month and two days. I first went to college right after high school, when I moved from the suburbs of Chicago to the city. I only lasted a semester, and was much more devoted to my newfound freedom as a city girl. So I left school and worked at a record shop downtown for a year. It was my biggest coming-of-age year, one of drama, partying, and feeling invincible. But I burned out of it quickly, and the next year moved back in with my folks and went to community college. It really wasn’t that different from living in the city, except a little safer. I still hung out with a lot of friends (lots of them went to the same community college), going to shows, parties, movies, etc. I liked going to school, too, especially my last quarter which was one outdoor living course that involved the same 20 students the whole quarter, sharing classes in biology, psychology (basically group-therapy once a week), and social studies, all the while taking two trips a week either hiking, canoeing, rock-climbing, or some other outdoor activity. Our "final" was driving out to Utah to backpack through the canyonlands for 8 days.

After that quarter, which cemented my love for travel and the outdoors, I transferred to southern Illinois to attend a four-year college. The school was in a small college town, surrounded by a very large, beautiful national forest that would become my home away from home for two years while I majored in Geology, then Early Childhood Education. I loved the idea of teaching kids about the environment, and wanted to learn how to teach the required material in an outdoor setting. My teachers hated the idea though, and I got really frustrated with getting Cs on lesson plans that I had worked so hard on, so I dropped out.

I lived with my parents for a few months then moved up to Ann Arbor, Michigan to live with my sister while she went to grad school. I was a nanny and worked at a bookstore. I lived there 15 months. I was restless at that point and moved out to San Francisco to live with several of my college friends. I looked for a place to live for three months – during that time I lived with anywhere from 4-13 roommates in four bedroom flat with no living room, often sleeping on the roof of the next building, as it was just outside our kitchen window. I got fed up quickly with those living arrangements and moved to Arcata, CA, "where the redwoods meet the ocean." That’s how I describe it, anyway. It’s a progressive, laid-back college town and I loved it. I lived, played and worked in the woods, but couldn’t find a job. I lived there for just over a year, working first at a jewelry factory, then at the California Conservation Corps, which I aged out of at age 24. In August 1997 I flew back to Chicago for my cousin’s wedding, and ended up staying for nine months while working at an internet service provider, my first well-paid job. I didn’t see Arcata again for almost two years.

After my Chicago stint I moved out to Seattle. I did my research first, and looked for a place with reasonable housing and employment opportunities. Plus, my sister and several college friends lived there, so it was an all-around smart move. In May 1998 I arrived in Seattle. This story is a particularly long one, so to sum it up: I got a job with an internet marketing firm, stayed there for 3+ years. I hated it like mad, and left my $41,000/year job to make $11 as a data entry clerk for the local AIDS service agency. I found my calling in non-profit work, and stayed there for almost four years, having moved from data entry, to financial clerk, to special events manager. I wanted to grow in my non-profit work but wanted 1) to get out of fundraising (too much pressure!), and 2) focus more on environmental issues. I left my job to return to school to get my undergraduate degree. I paid my way through loans, doing odd fundraising & non-profit jobs, grants/scholarships, and landscaping/gardening.

I swore I would try my best not to work while I was in school. I didn’t care about loans, I just wanted to return to school and do my absolute best, without anything to distract me. Well it turns out that’s not such an easy thing to ask for. This goes back to the "Life is Complicated" saying I’m so fond of. In the beginning of my senior year, an organization I have volunteered with since 2001 was in trouble. The last of the founders left, and the remaining staff person was half-way out the door. It looked like this organization I loved so much would have to close it’s doors. I wanted to help, and felt like I had the skills to get this org back on track. I also needed to choose a senior project, so I proposed stepping in to be office manager, and to help create a sustainable organizational structure, so that the livelihood of the org would no longer rest on just one person’s shoulders. This organization has several very devoted volunteers, some of which are my good friends. These friends also wanted to help, and stepped in to join some of the committees, as well the advisory committee, the governing body of the org.

We started with zero dollars in the bank and power struggles between new and old volunteers. We all seem to know what’s best for the org, and have all felt at some time or another that we are spending the most amount of energy and time on this work. We all feel underappreciated, overworked, and unbelievably stressed out. This has been the hardest work I’ve ever done, not only in the actually org work but in the challenge it has presented to me in holding on to my friendships. All of this, and I’m also finishing my degree. It’s my last year, and I’ve neglected so much of my homework. I’ve only done what it takes to get by – I’ve missed as many classes as possible without getting into trouble with the professors. My major is student-lead, community-focused major, and I’ve skipped most meetings and activities related to governing the program. I’ve been distant from everyone, because I don’t have time to be close to anyone. So a few months ago I informed the advisory committee that I would be taking the months of May and June off of the committee, so I could focus on finishing my degree in a way to be proud of.

That was hard for me, and I kept taking on more tasks, well after my "last day" of being the primary office person. I decided to attend the committee meetings, and stay on the sub-committee I was co-chairing, but not take on tasks related to the overall governance of the camp. I thought I was setting boundaries around this, but then suddenly I would be taking on something else that took a large amount of time, and I didn’t know how I got there. I wasn’t able to say no. I realized that I shouldn’t be at these meetings. I had two choices; I could sit there and, as tasks were being delegated, say no, and be the asshole that wouldn’t do anything. The other choice was to not be there at all. I would still be the asshole, but we’d be spared the weekly rising tension and across-the-table glaring. The problem is, these are my friends. We get mad at each other, say hurtful things, and get so caught up in ourselves that we no longer treat each other in a friendly way.

Another cliche is "whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger." Not that I feel like this work can literally kill us, but it certainly could kill a few friendships. If we get through this, we’ll be all the stronger in the long-run. But right now, it seems a lot easier to say "screw this" and walk away. Instead, I need to figure out how to balance friendships and professional relationships in an organization in crisis mode 100% of the time.

So this morning, Sunday, my favorite day, I woke up early and came into the kitchen to clean. I turned on This American Life and had a moment. One that need a little background:

In 1995 I went on Dead tour. It was my last summer in southern Illinois, and I was 22. My friends Joe and Ingrid and I drove to Colorado to visit friends and see a show, then onto Las Vegas, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, then back to Colorado. We had stayed in the desert, mountains, and cities, mostly camping and crashing on floors and couches. San Francisco was our last show, and we ended up staying at Joe’s sister’s friend’s house. She was away on business, but left her key under the mat for us to live there for the three days of our stay. She lived near Golden Gate Park, near the bay, and I remember the warm, summer air smelling a little salty but fresh. We took turns on the feather bed, watched cable, and were welcome to anything in the house. The moment I remember the most was when I was cooking a meal, maybe breakfast? It was a sunny day, and there was a warm breeze coming from the window over the sink. The real moment was when I reached up to find some salt & pepper (or some other ingredient) and saw her spice cabinet for the first time. I had never seen such a thing before. She had the typical plastic spices that my mother had, but also jars full of bulk spices, saffron in an ornate glass container, and lots of small plastic bulk bags. It was the first time I saw bulk spices, and I thought, "This is independence." To me, the spices in that cozy apartment represented choice, curiosity, and adulthood, and I wanted it.

So today, I started cleaning my kitchen, all the while stressing over something my friend said to me at the office yesterday – one of those things that left me disappointed and hurt. I was hating how these things happen so frequently lately, stressing over how I should address it, if at all, what am I doing wrong, why doesn’t anyone trust me, like me, respect me, and I had my moment. I was standing in my bright kitchen, cleaning a counter, listening to This American Life, and I was somehow reminded that this is still the life that I wanted 12 years ago in that girl’s kitchen. I made it here all on my own, and it’s a good apartment. I live here with my boyfriend, who is the best person to ever have come into my life. We share this, but for the sake of this moment it is mine. I got myself here, and I am so proud of everything I have accomplished. I will learn from this experience this I’ve learned from all the others that got me here. It is the complications of life that have helped me grow and become a better person everyday. This is what I need to remember, because once I remember, everything comes into perspective, and I can see the beauty in the day again.